I have been really struggling recently to juggle all aspects of my life; not in bad way. Life just has a way of bringing everything to you at one time. My mind has been on super duper overdrive. I, literally, have so many thoughts that I can not [well] hear myself think [blank stare]. Writing is my passion but because my thoughts are so friggin' all over the map I would sit down to the computer and... and... crickets; nothing. Then I sat down and banged out the worst [but the best] blog putting on blast all the tired ass folks I know. I could not, however, share that with the masses unless I wanted to look both ways before I left the house every day; some folks were gonna be a tad bit upset [teeth suck]. What to write? What to write? As I sit here typing waiting for the buzz in my head to calm I start to think to myself [self] how about sharing a little bit about who I am; what makes me tick. The word for the day will be "transparency". Today I will share a part of me that may hopefully make you look at me differently but maybe also make you take a look at yourself.
The only man I ever loved with all the fibers of my being died on my eighteenth birthday. My heart was broken beyond repair and I [nor my heart] have ever fully recovered. I am now forty three. I have anger management issues. I have trust issues. I have issues with affection. I have commitment issues. I have abandonment issues. My anxiety levels run high. I have mild OCD accompanied by ADHD [self diagnosed]. I have seasonal depression except mine does not occur in the winter. Mine occurs in the spring; when my birthday rolls around. I have [well] I have issues. You see when you see a man almost everyday from the age of two until the age of seventeen and you wake up to see him on the day when your life essentially is supposed to begin and he isn't there to say "Happy Birthday" or even goodbye; the lights in your world dim. Things just do not look so bright anymore. See most girls are a daddy's girl but me, nah! My father was on a whole 'nother coast. I was a Pappy's girl. My maternal grandfather was my main man; living only four houses away. And because I also hear voices [blank stare] me and him still talk. It is funny because nobody in my entire family knew [knows] how deep that one hiccup in my life impacted me. They just knew I picked up and moved from sunny San Diego to not so sunny Philadelphia when I graduated from high school and since then I have been on my other; doing my own thing. The reality is I felt abandoned; so I, in turn, jumped ship and ran away - I abandoned. Therapy taught me that. I started therapy in my early thirties and it is not until today, in my forties, that I can address my issues head on.
So why share this with you? Well, first it is very cathartic. It allows me to free my mind from some of the voices. Sometimes they talk too friggin' much [teeth suck]. Second it will also give you insight about my dual demeanors. Many know me to have a butterfly personality. The proverbial "can't we all get along" person in the group. For the most part that is me. I am that happy go lucky person who wants to see the good in everyone. I love to laugh. I love to have fun. Let's hang out. Let's muck it up. Party over here! But that second chick that exist inside of me? Well, she is the product of the day the lights went dim. She is emotionally detached. She is the one who will cut you off and never speak to you again in life [and/or death]. She is the one who will gut you like a fish, burn down your entire neighborhood and then simply go out for chili cheese fries [allegedly]. Yeah, you might not want to mess with her. That heffa' is cray [wide eyes]. But I really share this with you because there is a point in life when we must recognize who we are. Acknowledge the good, the bad and the ugly about ourselves. To know thyself is to love thyself. If you can not love you then who can? Who will? More importantly know your triggers. Self awareness will lead to self improvement. Ignorance or ignoring our mental states only lead to self destruction. Self destruction! You're headed for self destruction [I broke into my KRS ONE].
You see people think I cut them off or out of my life because I am trying to be gangsta'. Those who experience my no nonsense persona want to pin me as simply being an asshole. Yeah, I know you call me an asshole [teeth suck]. Those who can not break down the walls that I put up all around me think that I am cold and aloof. Those adjectives to describe me are farthest from the truth. I simply know my triggers. If you experience any of that from me then that means I know that there is a piece of you that jeopardizes the peace in me. At one point or another you showed me something that alerted me that our interaction needed to be re-evaluated. Red light! Warning! Did you see the list of issues that I said that my life is compiled with? I have spent lots of money and tried many a prescribed methods to see my way clear. Do you think that I will allow someone else's shenanigan's to impose upon that? I say not. Listen up [several folks needs to hear this] if I severed ties with you unless we share DNA [and in some instances not even then] our journey is complete; move on. I send you away with love and adoration but my own personal frame of mind is more important to me than the easement of yours. If you and I do not muck it up like we did before [and you notice it] then I have re-positioned you in my life to a safer place for the both of us [blank stare]. If you do not know the "butterfly" me and you think I am an asshole, gangsta', cold, aloof, guarded, self absorbed, hard nosed, tough, a loose canon or [worse] crazy then I say it is time to take a hard look at you. Because cray recognizes cray. I see it in you but now it is time [my dears] for you to see if for yourself.
The only man I ever loved with all the fibers of my being died on my eighteenth birthday. My heart was broken beyond repair and I [nor my heart] have ever fully recovered. I am now forty three. I have anger management issues. I have trust issues. I have issues with affection. I have commitment issues. I have abandonment issues. My anxiety levels run high. I have mild OCD accompanied by ADHD [self diagnosed]. I have seasonal depression except mine does not occur in the winter. Mine occurs in the spring; when my birthday rolls around. I have [well] I have issues. You see when you see a man almost everyday from the age of two until the age of seventeen and you wake up to see him on the day when your life essentially is supposed to begin and he isn't there to say "Happy Birthday" or even goodbye; the lights in your world dim. Things just do not look so bright anymore. See most girls are a daddy's girl but me, nah! My father was on a whole 'nother coast. I was a Pappy's girl. My maternal grandfather was my main man; living only four houses away. And because I also hear voices [blank stare] me and him still talk. It is funny because nobody in my entire family knew [knows] how deep that one hiccup in my life impacted me. They just knew I picked up and moved from sunny San Diego to not so sunny Philadelphia when I graduated from high school and since then I have been on my other; doing my own thing. The reality is I felt abandoned; so I, in turn, jumped ship and ran away - I abandoned. Therapy taught me that. I started therapy in my early thirties and it is not until today, in my forties, that I can address my issues head on.
So why share this with you? Well, first it is very cathartic. It allows me to free my mind from some of the voices. Sometimes they talk too friggin' much [teeth suck]. Second it will also give you insight about my dual demeanors. Many know me to have a butterfly personality. The proverbial "can't we all get along" person in the group. For the most part that is me. I am that happy go lucky person who wants to see the good in everyone. I love to laugh. I love to have fun. Let's hang out. Let's muck it up. Party over here! But that second chick that exist inside of me? Well, she is the product of the day the lights went dim. She is emotionally detached. She is the one who will cut you off and never speak to you again in life [and/or death]. She is the one who will gut you like a fish, burn down your entire neighborhood and then simply go out for chili cheese fries [allegedly]. Yeah, you might not want to mess with her. That heffa' is cray [wide eyes]. But I really share this with you because there is a point in life when we must recognize who we are. Acknowledge the good, the bad and the ugly about ourselves. To know thyself is to love thyself. If you can not love you then who can? Who will? More importantly know your triggers. Self awareness will lead to self improvement. Ignorance or ignoring our mental states only lead to self destruction. Self destruction! You're headed for self destruction [I broke into my KRS ONE].
You see people think I cut them off or out of my life because I am trying to be gangsta'. Those who experience my no nonsense persona want to pin me as simply being an asshole. Yeah, I know you call me an asshole [teeth suck]. Those who can not break down the walls that I put up all around me think that I am cold and aloof. Those adjectives to describe me are farthest from the truth. I simply know my triggers. If you experience any of that from me then that means I know that there is a piece of you that jeopardizes the peace in me. At one point or another you showed me something that alerted me that our interaction needed to be re-evaluated. Red light! Warning! Did you see the list of issues that I said that my life is compiled with? I have spent lots of money and tried many a prescribed methods to see my way clear. Do you think that I will allow someone else's shenanigan's to impose upon that? I say not. Listen up [several folks needs to hear this] if I severed ties with you unless we share DNA [and in some instances not even then] our journey is complete; move on. I send you away with love and adoration but my own personal frame of mind is more important to me than the easement of yours. If you and I do not muck it up like we did before [and you notice it] then I have re-positioned you in my life to a safer place for the both of us [blank stare]. If you do not know the "butterfly" me and you think I am an asshole, gangsta', cold, aloof, guarded, self absorbed, hard nosed, tough, a loose canon or [worse] crazy then I say it is time to take a hard look at you. Because cray recognizes cray. I see it in you but now it is time [my dears] for you to see if for yourself.
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