Him: Fuck you! I never want to speak to you again.
Me: You don’t really mean that.
Him: Yes I do.
That conversation [argument] happened well over a year ago. I have not spoken about it with the masses until today. There is a whole lot that I left out but you get the gist of what went down. At the time it pained my heart. Yet I was relieved all at the same time. Who wants to continue down a path with someone who can so carelessly dismiss you over something trivial? To be quite honest I cannot remember what the trivial trigger was to this particular outburst but I remember the feeling; the feelings. I can remember it was him, it was me and he proclaimed that he never wanted to speak to me again. Well, that’s what his mouth said [blank stare]. I can remember thinking, “but you said you loved me.” I can remember thinking, “do you know my worth?” I can remember thinking, “If you do this now, what will you do later?” I also remember that he had said it twice before and I told him that he should not say anything so final to me unless he meant it. My thought is that since he said it [yet] again that that must mean he surely knew what would follow [blank stare]. Many folks who know me know that I am not a woman of many chances. As I follow the wisdom filled words of the late great Dr. Maya Angelou; once you show me who you are I [tend to] believe you. In true fashion I believed that this man was not the man for me because no man who truly was invested in the premise of “us” would ever be so dismissive to his better half; that [in this case] would be me.
For over an entire year the same person who said that they never wanted to speak to me again has in-boxed me to tell me that they do; want to speak to me that is [teeth suck]. At this point I really wish that he would stop but if its cathartic for him, so be it. I am over it. Up to, and including, today he has called, he has left message, he [may] have text and he has sent me messages upon messages in my inbox for me to read. I have not answered. I believe he may have even popped up at my door once or twice. Who knows [lip curl]? He has expressed that he misses me. He has expressed that he made a mistake. He has ambiguously expressed that they could have done things differently and so on and so forth. Please talk to me. Please respond to me. Please have [well] something to say. From me he received silence. Crickets. Nothing. Nada! So I thought to myself [self] what could he have said to make me want to say something back? I mean, after months of unnecessary spewing things that he really did not mean in probably one of the best relationships of his life [toot toot], what exactly was going to be different now? Based on what he was saying to me in all of his banter I would lean towards nothing. Let me share with you [my readers] why I say this. And if you happen to be one of my male readers maybe you’ll learn somethin’ [blank stare]. Lean in and come close ‘cause here comes some real talk. I am going to speak to you as I speak indirectly to him [my ex] for the first and last time.
When you go as far as to say something so spiteful to someone that you really do not mean your apology needs to be about the person of whom you have verbally attacked and less about you. Dwell on that for a minute [pause]. When you say, “I have made a mistake” in my mind I say, “Yes, you did.” When you say, “I could have done things differently” in my mind I say, “Yes you could have.” When you say, “Please respond to me” in my mind I say “For what?” You see when we have arrived at the point that you beseeching me to acknowledge you I could really care less about how you feel [lip curl]. Yeah, you feel terrible. You feel empty. You feel lonely. You feel like you made a big mistake. You realize you should have let calmer heads prevail. Oh, and you realize that you will never find another me. But we already knew all that would come with the finality of it all. I knew that you would feel that way after you calmed down and [as quiet as it is kept] so did you. What we cannot do, however, is forget that you were spitting some hateful shit my way. And, lets be clear all of those hateful words resonate far greater than any of the “good” you want to continue to remind me of in your soliloquys in my inbox. If you think reminding me that your good outweighs the emotional abandonment that you so carelessly implemented at a whim [to make a point] you are sadly mistaken. What has not happened is the acknowledgement of what you said [exactly] and how that made me feel [exactly]. You have never once assured me that when you said you never wanted to speak to me again that you really did not mean it. You have not expressed regret that you made me feel empty. You have never once addressed that you made me feel invaluable. How about the fact that you took me for granted or [even] put me on the same playing field as the randoms that you could easily go back and forth with? Have you spoken on that? It is not enough to say that you could not be the man I needed you to be because essentially you were him but you made a conscious decision to be someone different. Apologize for that. In reality, your apologies have danced all around the actual situation that ostracized you from my very personal space which [let us not forget] you initiated. I have merely given you what you so desired. Did I not? Never, after all, is a very long time. Not once have you specifically addressed anything that really mattered. If you cannot precisely identify where you went wrong who is to say that you will not be so inclined not to do it [whatever “it” is] again. What happens the next time a disagreement pops off? What can I expect you to say? You have been apologizing for the wrong shit [lip curl]. Fellas hear me! Stop being sorry and man up. Nobody is attracted to “sorry”. Own your shortcomings in your relationships and be forthright with what you have done and tell her how you are going to make amends. Inboxes of pleads to be acknowledged [sigh]? Please, please and more please. It simply reemphasizes that when you make a mistake you simply want to be absolved so that you can feel better about you and get back in without addressing your destructive behavior. What it shows is that you really [once again] are not thinking about me [or her]. Your thoughts are lying with the readjustment of your comfort levels. Maybe I am wrong but if you are not saying the right thing then perception that you have not changed at all will prevail. You know we women sit back and listen out for the right thing. That “thing” that will make us want to respond to you when you do or say something foul. They truth of the matter is if we ever deeply cared about you then we are biting at the bit to get back at it; to one day be back in a good place with the very perpetrator of our pain. We loved him. We love him. We want to know that his true feelings trump the one’s he exhibited when he was angry. We want to know that we mean enough to him that he would never be so careless with our love for him again. But we also need to know that the lesson learned has been so impactful that if [and only if] we resume a dynamic that it will one day be the storm that we weathered and not the beginning of the end.
For the record the right thing that my ex could have said to me to get me to respond would have been this, “I know I said I never wanted to speak to you again. I was angry and I did not mean it. I was purposely trying be cruel to you; wounding. It was insensitive, mean, nasty, harsh and unnecessarily brutal. I understand that it was probably one of the most inappropriate things that I could have said to you. For all of that, I am truly regretful. I know what is said is said but if you would give me one more chance, not only do I promise you that I will never say anything like that to you again but I will show you that when I said that I wanted to be with you forever that I meant it.” <--------------Now that [right there] is an apology [teeth suck]. Plain and simple. All the other noise is just that; noise. I am not trying to be gangsta'. I am not angry. I am not trying to punch you in the face and just get on with it. I am not trying to punish you. I was [not now] simply listening for what really needed to be said. I mean I was on the lookout for the flowers, a ring or some chili cheese fries but those would have just been a bonus [raised eyebrow]. But errrrrr ummm on a serious note true words hold power. They show the ability to acknowledge a specific wrong. To continue to self reflect on the wrong shit only perpetuates nonsense and is a real turn off. I mean who really cares about your feelings when you have already diminished theirs? You can’t talk about how much you have “grown” from a situation when you cannot acknowledge what actually happened. It shows that you are misguided. When you can attack a situation head on and take ownership on specifics that is a panty dropper. Ok, maybe I went a little far with that one but we women like that. That is what I am trying to convey here. When you are expressing remorse it is powerful to remind someone how important they are to you while keeping the focus on them. It proves that the amends you want to make is not self - motivated. When you start talking about how important they are to you because of how they make you feel it kinda’ circumvents the point that you have made them feel unessential. Looking for a person you have wronged to talk to you so that you can feel better is ass backwards. Stay focused. The focus is not on you but on them [or me, in this case]. And close your apology with a big bang! Its one thing to say what you mean and mean what you say but it is a whole ‘nother ball game to offer to show it. Since your track record indicates that you have a difficult time meaning what you say your angle should be more on the “let me show you" approach. If you tell me [with conviction] that you are going to show me that you mean what you are saying then who would I have been to deny you unless you have already consistently been showing me what you meant? Show and prove!
So I will close with this, we all make mistakes in our relationships; some bigger than others. We will say things that we do not mean, albeit we should not. Some things can easily be forgiven. Some others? Not so much. For those “not so much” type of situations it is not the persistence to be forgiven that will get you back in the good graces of the one you have wronged. It is the persistence to show and prove. Show you recognize what you have done that has resulted in where you are now and prove that you will ensure that it does not happen again. And if you are showing and proving that you are the same person by spending a whole year focusing on the wrong shit then…. [crickets crickets].
And with that, carry on!